116street Soccer

Footballing from a lesser authority...

Location: New York, New York

Saturday, May 20, 2006

The 116 Awards

So now, save for a Watford vs. Leeds promotion playoff, and a few other miscellaneous wrap-ups, the season is over, which means that it's time for us here on 116th Street to hand out a few accolades (we're the first ones to do this, right)? Anyway, let's skip all of the Heidi-Klum-and-fuzzy-lion riff raff, and get straightaway to it...

The 116street Best XI
GK: Iker Casillas, Real Madrid - He did his absolute best to salvage a sinking ship this season, and he sparkled late-season against Barcelona. Without him, there's no way Los Galacticos (are we still allowed to call them that?) finish second.

RB: William Gallas, Chelsea - Gallas was probably top 3 in the world at any of the four defensive positions at which he played this season, but for the purpose of this squad, we'll use him at right back. Incredibly, he still wasn't even the best defender on his own team.

CB: Kolo Toure, Arsenal - It seems to me that when your defense goes ten straight without giving up a Champions League goal, you can probably sleep easy, knowing you've given your best. Toure commandeered a makeshift Arsenal back four, turning it into Europe's best, and he stood out down a man against Barcelona, keeping them off the scoreboard until late. We'll probably be seeing this guy on this list a few more times as the years go on.

CB: John Terry, Chelsea - He's the best defender in the world, and probably deserves England's captaincy over Beckham at the moment. Who would have thought there was a likeable Chelsea player?

LB: Gianluca Zambrotta, Juventus - Like Gallas, he's an incredibly versatile player, who can get up and down the field like no other. We'll make him our left-back, and let him make plenty of dangerous, over-lapping runs. Let's just hope he doesn't pay off the officials.

RW: Joe Cole, Chelsea - He took his game to a new level this year, and provided a measure of flair to Chelsea's otherwise robotic attack. He scored a great one to help knock Manchester United out of Premiership title contention.

CM: Steven Gerrard, Liverpool - He clutches victory from the jaws of defeat. He is a legend among men. He'll probably be a knight by age 29. He plays 11 positions at once, every game. He is Laura Bush's baby's father. He will bring about the new utopia...

CM: Michael Ballack, Bayern Munich - Front-runner du jour and Matt Damon look-alike, Ballack managed to captain Bayern to the Bundesliga title, all while telling anyone who would listen that he was going to leave for Chelsea. No one has ever made winning the Bundesliga seem like such a chore. Good luck with Jose, Herr Ballack, you'll need it.

LW: Ronaldinho, Barcelona - You may have heard of him once or twice.

ST: Thierry Henry, Arsenal - I have said it before, and I will say it again: Thierry Henry is the best player in the world, bar none.

ST: Luca Toni, Fiorentina - He was like Jason Voorhees to the Serie A this season, slowly killing all in his way. I fear for anyone who has to encounter him in the World Cup this summer.

The Ron Artest "Please Love Me" Award:
To Chelsea, who, despite wrapping up a second consecutive title, as well as wresting the Premier League balance of power away from Manchester United and Arsenal, have nothing but hatred and derision to show for it. Jose Mourinho's continuously poor sportsmanship aside, Chelsea's inabiliy to progress in European competition has done little to stem the Blues' inferiority complex. Now, they seek to insitute a new "Galactico" era, this time in England, signing Michael Ballack and making a move for Andriy Shevchenko. They may achieve the success and financial rewards of becoming a super-club, but it seems that they will never get the adulation they so desperately desire. As Jay-Z once so eloquently put it, "sensitive thugs, you all need hugs."

The Samuel L. Jackson in Deep Blue Sea "Worst Time to Give an Inspirational Speech" Award:
To Thierry Henry, who gave an emotional pick-me-up to his Arsenal teammates while on a Champions League Final flight. Umm, Thierry, next time, you might want to give the speech before the game, rather than on the return flight after you just lost. I'm sure your teammates appreciated the sentiment though, and I think everyone's glad you're sticking around.

The Michael Jordan on the Wizards "Time to Give It Up" Award:
To Christian Vieri, Rivaldo, Fernando Morientes and Juan Sebastian Veron; you guys have done nothing to deserve a World Cup place. Nothing. Let the younger guys have their chance, and fall back gracefully.

116street Thank Yous:
To Lionel Messi, for completely ruining Asier Del Horno's season. One match versus Leo, and Del Horno might as well have been in a straightjacket, saying "Scarecrow" over and over for the rest of the year.
To Steven Gerrard, for refusing to allow his teammates to celebrate with him after tying the FA Cup Final. While I am normally against such jerk behavior in a team sport, Gerrard has to be sick and tired of constantly having to bail out the Reds time and time again. He'd already tied it once, and now he has to tie it again? I'm with you Stevie; #^*% your sorry-@$$ teammates, it's all about you. Let's get this knighthood thing started right now.
To the board of Juventus, for ensuring a U.S. upset over Italy in June. Can you guys get to working on some scandals in the Czech Republic and Ghana while there's still time?
Finally, to the good folks at Sky Sports, for bringing to my attention the existence of Hayley McQueen. Thank you, thank you, thank you. She's foxy.


Blogger JMP said...

I'd like to propose a new award, the "Best Name/Worst Hair" award. This year's winner, my friend and yours, Didier Drogba!

And wow... that chick's name is Hayley McQueen? I can't think of much that rules more than that...

4:44 PM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home