Dear Soccer-Haters: Sorry...

So the U.S. is out of the Copa America, the Beckham hype machine is underway, and Gene Wojciechowski is making fun of soccer, mainly because, well, he doesn't know anything about it. Meanwhile, over at The Big Lead, commenters are making the argument that soccer is actually over-covered. It's just a day in the life of the American soccer fan, having to endure the USA getting the $#!+ kicked out of it in major competitions only to be soothed by mockery. But since we are all un-American idiots, let's take some time out of our day to observe the really important matters in the sporting world, shall we?

1. Looks like steroids are played out among baseball players; the way to go is stimulants!

2. NFL players are real Americans - they don't watch a girly sport like soccer because dog fighting is so much more manly.

3. Some whiny beeyotch on the Lakers says he's sorry for being such a whiny beeyotch; now he's just an ambiguously whiny beeyotch.

4. Thierry Henry's best friend married a primetime soap star!

Of course, absolutely, positively none of this stuff is old news; the American sports scene is so full of fresh and interesting developments, that it is only natural for people like us to be a bunch of stupid pansies, allowing our beloved soccer to steal headlines away from the Earth-shattering competition to decide who's "Now." We should all apologize for being a bunch of dull, flopping, head-butting Commies, and realize once and for all that A-Rod's wife's t-shirt is much more important than whoever this Beckham guy is.